Monday, July 12, 2010

Our heartbreak and loss....

It has been a while since my last post (not counting the time4learning post). I had refrained from posting about what was going on in our personal lives about this time last year until the present.

I think I delayed in posting it to my blog because I was thinking that if I don't write about it, it doesn't have to be true. However, it is time that I write and share what we've been going through.

It was almost a year ago that my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. It was at stage 4 and had spread into his back and abdomen as well. We went through a very aggressive line up of chemo following a successful surgery. My husband, Dwayne went through so very much in such a short amount of time. I won't go into all of the details here but cancer is definitely a life changing event.

On February 1st of this year he was told that the cancer was gone and that his chemo was over. He would only have one final scan to see that it was all gone. Two days later we lost my husband, on February 3rd, to a heart attack. I am thankful that my husband at least passed away peacefully in his sleep and didn't have to suffer. That is a small comfort.

As you can imagine, the last 5 months have been a roller coaster of emotions for our family. We've had deep dark depression. We've had lonesome sadness. We've had joy in feeling the Lord lift us up and support our needs. It still seems like only yesterday that I lost my best friend and my soul mate. When Dwayne and I met, it was love at first sight. God whispered to me that he was the one. :)

I still don't know how we'll get through life without him. It's been a big adjustment and parenting alone is definitely one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I can feel Dwayne with me, and I can feel God's gentle assuring hand on my back as I attempt to carry on.

People continue to tell me that I'm an inspiration. I am not the inspiration, I am just doing what I have to do. I know God is with me and that is the biggest help of my day. I also know that I have to get up and take care of the kids and provide what they need. There have been many days when I would have preferred to lay on the couch where I continue to sleep at night even now, and not get up all day. And in all honestly there have been a couple of days when that did happen. I am not stronger than anyone else, I am just relying on God. Really, during a time that this that's all we can do.

I wish so much that more people had known Dwayne as I knew him. He was truly my best friend. A lot of people say their spouse is their best friend, but he honestly was. We spent 24/7 together. We shared all our secrets and had most of the same likes. Our personalities were similar and opposite in ways that complimented each other. I never had girl's night outs, because I didn't need them. My best friend was my husband and there was no other person on earth that I would have chose to hang out with.

I will post soon on what we've been up to homeschool wise but for now I wanted to share a little bit of our lives and the greatest loss we've ever experienced.

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